My Own Worst Enemy

"There are two ways to get a car to move. You can push it from the outside or drive it from the inside.  The problem with pushing is, once you quit pushing, the car stops." --Peter Lord

It's almost time again, time to face the US powerlifting elites. July 20th I will become star struck as I watch the incredible Jennifer Thompson bench more than I thought was humanly possible while the intimidating Kim Walford rushes the deadlift platform. That weekend will be my national level debut as a competitive powerlifter – USAPL Raw Nationals. If you've ever competed in a powerlifting meet you know the feeling that rushes over – Chalk clouds the air, sweaty men and women gear themselves up, and plenty of Pedilyte gets downed in order to replenish the nutrients lost while cutting weight. It’s a high unlike anything I have ever experienced. But while it’s an incredible experience, competing comes with it's price. There are sacrifices to be made, sanity to be lost, and aches and pains to be felt. The question is; do you have the mentality to do it?

A little history; I have not always been as driven as I am now. In fact years ago a friend, concerned with the outlook of my future asked "How can you be so complacent with your life?" With the amount of respect I had for this person those words hit me like a ton of bricks (probably more than intended). Right then and there I made a vow to never give someone the opportunity to think that of me ever again. I have been on a constant mission to succeed, throwing myself into “impossible” endeavors, dreaming up new ideas of what I could do, all the while beating myself up over the fact that I never follow through or finish anything I start. The fact is I have never given myself a real chance, constantly believing I am not good enough or smart enough. I've never had the confidence to dedicate myself to something fully.

After a small bout with tendonitis there was a length of time when energy was low and at the risk of sounding like a sensitive sally, the pressure of living an adult life had left me on the cusp of a mental breakdown. Between my full time job, full time personal training clients, my own training, my relationship, and my dogs (all of which require a high level of attention) I didn’t have a whole lot of time to myself. The weeks had become shorter, my days a blur, and I was becoming increasingly bitter toward people who claim to have “no time” to fit exercise into their schedule. As my motivation dwindled my hours spent in the gym were becoming more of a burden than a relief. Months ago I would have busted open the doors of the gym and used the weights as a way to escape reality. But now I was in a slump and I was afraid I wouldn’t be able to get out of it!

As I wrote in my last blog, I want to be one of the best so my time spent in the gym has to be 100% focused. Strength, unfortunately is not always enough. Many powerlifters have this badass mentality that no matter the physical pain they feel, iron courses through their veins - They eat, sleep and dream competition. My first and second meets I had that mindset but for some reason the pressure to produce had become a huge weight upon my shoulders (not the kind I like). The urge to give up was slowly creeping into my subconscious. After making excuses as to why I was missing reps or why I was “off” at the gym, I took a step back and realized there it was - My self-fulfilling prophecy coming back to haunt me. I never follow through, I am not a finisher. Even with all the naysayers out there, it turns out I am my own worst enemy, and now that I have found something that I am undoubtedly good at I have no one else to blame!

There are no excuses to give up on something that I love and accepting that there will always be bumps in the road may be my only salvation. I spend far too much time engaged with the things that bring me down - Be it injury, obligation, or lack of motivation. Desire will be the only thing that separates me from the weak. As much as I want to be one of the best I need to know that I deserve it! After I shake hands with the incomparable Jennifer Thompson and Kim Walford I will charge the deadlift platform and they will see the fury in my eyes and KNOW that I am a badass powerlifter with iron coursing through my veins. I will force myself to keep driving forward in order to create a new legacy. I will not give up, I am a finisher!