My Own Worst Enemy

"There are two ways to get a car to move. You can push it from the outside or drive it from the inside.  The problem with pushing is, once you quit pushing, the car stops." --Peter Lord

It's almost time again, time to face the US powerlifting elites. July 20th I will become star struck as I watch the incredible Jennifer Thompson bench more than I thought was humanly possible while the intimidating Kim Walford rushes the deadlift platform. That weekend will be my national level debut as a competitive powerlifter – USAPL Raw Nationals. If you've ever competed in a powerlifting meet you know the feeling that rushes over – Chalk clouds the air, sweaty men and women gear themselves up, and plenty of Pedilyte gets downed in order to replenish the nutrients lost while cutting weight. It’s a high unlike anything I have ever experienced. But while it’s an incredible experience, competing comes with it's price. There are sacrifices to be made, sanity to be lost, and aches and pains to be felt. The question is; do you have the mentality to do it?

A little history; I have not always been as driven as I am now. In fact years ago a friend, concerned with the outlook of my future asked "How can you be so complacent with your life?" With the amount of respect I had for this person those words hit me like a ton of bricks (probably more than intended). Right then and there I made a vow to never give someone the opportunity to think that of me ever again. I have been on a constant mission to succeed, throwing myself into “impossible” endeavors, dreaming up new ideas of what I could do, all the while beating myself up over the fact that I never follow through or finish anything I start. The fact is I have never given myself a real chance, constantly believing I am not good enough or smart enough. I've never had the confidence to dedicate myself to something fully.

After a small bout with tendonitis there was a length of time when energy was low and at the risk of sounding like a sensitive sally, the pressure of living an adult life had left me on the cusp of a mental breakdown. Between my full time job, full time personal training clients, my own training, my relationship, and my dogs (all of which require a high level of attention) I didn’t have a whole lot of time to myself. The weeks had become shorter, my days a blur, and I was becoming increasingly bitter toward people who claim to have “no time” to fit exercise into their schedule. As my motivation dwindled my hours spent in the gym were becoming more of a burden than a relief. Months ago I would have busted open the doors of the gym and used the weights as a way to escape reality. But now I was in a slump and I was afraid I wouldn’t be able to get out of it!

As I wrote in my last blog, I want to be one of the best so my time spent in the gym has to be 100% focused. Strength, unfortunately is not always enough. Many powerlifters have this badass mentality that no matter the physical pain they feel, iron courses through their veins - They eat, sleep and dream competition. My first and second meets I had that mindset but for some reason the pressure to produce had become a huge weight upon my shoulders (not the kind I like). The urge to give up was slowly creeping into my subconscious. After making excuses as to why I was missing reps or why I was “off” at the gym, I took a step back and realized there it was - My self-fulfilling prophecy coming back to haunt me. I never follow through, I am not a finisher. Even with all the naysayers out there, it turns out I am my own worst enemy, and now that I have found something that I am undoubtedly good at I have no one else to blame!

There are no excuses to give up on something that I love and accepting that there will always be bumps in the road may be my only salvation. I spend far too much time engaged with the things that bring me down - Be it injury, obligation, or lack of motivation. Desire will be the only thing that separates me from the weak. As much as I want to be one of the best I need to know that I deserve it! After I shake hands with the incomparable Jennifer Thompson and Kim Walford I will charge the deadlift platform and they will see the fury in my eyes and KNOW that I am a badass powerlifter with iron coursing through my veins. I will force myself to keep driving forward in order to create a new legacy. I will not give up, I am a finisher!

Naysayers...Fuel for my Fire

You've got to be a special kind of crazy to be a female powerlifter.  It's not always the most gratifying of sports; you don't get extra points for being pretty or having a winning personality.  Your gender gets questioned daily, you get unsolicited advice from men who are certain that you can't possibly know what you're doing in the gym.  You get comments from women about your bulky and muscular appearance and you get looked at funny when instead of spending hours on the elliptical, you're grunting through a heavy set of dead-lifts. OH, and society thinks you are 200 pounds overweight and a lesbian.   Call me a masochist, but since August of this year I have put 100% of my special kind of crazy into becoming a powerlifter. 

I have always been a competitive athlete, and incredibly proud, borderline obsessed, with the genetic strength I possess, from racing the boys in elementary school to challenging random strangers to an arm wrestling match.  I have always wanted to be the best at what I do.  So, when I saw a team of powerlifters at Gold's Gym practicing three magical lifts while everyone else was waiting on the long line at the leg press machine, I had to be a part of this elite group.  I will admit, my first day training with them at Sarasota Barbell was intimidating.  The gym was dark and filled with tires, chains and other barbaric torture devices I had never seen.  Where are all the treadmills, I thought. As soon as I started lifting we quickly formed a bond and my successes from then till now have been huge. 

 I have always been very critical of the way I look. I am awkwardly built with large broad shoulders and small boyish hips, my weight is unevenly distributed, and I tend to store fat in a fun spare tire around my waist (thanks a lot Mom and Dad!).  In attempts to change my body I have done some silly things, as do most women, to ensure my pant size does not go up.  It's embarrassing to admit, but I have duct taped my stomach to give the illusion of a smaller waist, I have tried a no-calorie diet, I have binged and purged and I have ran hours upon hours on the treadmill to no avail.  Who would have guessed that adding compound movements to my work out regimen would change my body completely?  I am now on a 1900 calorie diet maintaining at 132lbs, leaner than ever and above all proud of my nice big glutes (thanks a lot Squats).   Still, I tend to get more negative feedback than positive!

One mention of the fact that I am a powerlifter seems to trigger an overwhelming amount of concerns, "be careful you don't hurt your knees/back!"  "Aren't you afraid you're going to get big and bulky," or my personal favorite "You're lifting that much weight? You must be a dude!"  At times I have gotten offended and argued at the arrogance of these statements, but I've learned no matter what you do in life there will always be naysayers. There will always be someone telling you, you can't or you shouldn't or I wouldn't if I were you, and to them I say, you aren't me, you will never be me, appreciate the crazy hard work and passion I put into MY sport, and be motivated to do something that brings you joy.

Since August I have competed in three powerlifting meets - RAW United which I won overall best female lifter, RAW Unity (nationals) where I placed third amongst some of the best lifters in the country and USAPL State where I again won overall best female lifter. I will be competing again in July with USAPL Nationals.  I am confident that with every meet I will get better and better and  I fully intend on being one of the best out there.  Everyday I go to the gym, I go with determination, focus and with a goal in mind because you have to be a special kind of crazy to ignore everyone and everything that is trying to bring you down!  I will be one of the best.